22 November 2010

Life & just a few of the things that kill

Complacency. Anger. Resentment. Obstinancy. Just a few of the things that can kill a relationship over time.

As a handful of you already know, James & I are separated...I've debated quite a while on writing this post because quite honestly it will not put me in the best of lights.  It does need to be done though.  

James and I have been together almost 23 years and many will question my decision to leave him since we were friends and did have love for each other.  He for the most part (99.9%) has provided me with some of the best support a person could have.  He taught me most of what I can do now, drive a truck, ride a motorcycle, pedal a bicycle, even to start this blog a few years back.  He has been my biggest cheerleader over the years.  

However I've not been happy for quite a while.....we seemed to have gotten to the point where nothing was separate, our own little place to escape to and while I'm not sure that James needed or wanted that, I did and do.  Quite a bit of this comes from my childhood & teen years....my family is definitely not what a loving & nurturing environment should have been.  As a result I tend to retreat into myself entirely too much and/or lash out in not so nice ways, again usually toward myself but not always.  That sounds like an excuse and I'm not sure  I want to delve into my psyche so deep on this blog.  However that experience has left me wondering if I'm just not wired right to be in a relationship with anybody.

This brings me to now....we were on our way to a very amicable separation but my feelings of being smothered and overwhelmed manifested themselves into a bit of self-destructiveness as is my want.....Not even going to try and explain what went down other than to say that instead of elaborating on what was a flippant reply, I ended up pushing on and saying things that were hurtful and untrue just because I was feeling trapped and resentful when all it would've taken was a moment to explain what I really thought & meant.  This ended up turning into a very long evening where we caused each other a considerable amount of pain with both of us doing things we shouldn't have.  So there you have it....how to turn an amicable, friendly separation into one of lots of hurt.