22 November 2010

Life & just a few of the things that kill

Complacency. Anger. Resentment. Obstinancy. Just a few of the things that can kill a relationship over time.

As a handful of you already know, James & I are separated...I've debated quite a while on writing this post because quite honestly it will not put me in the best of lights.  It does need to be done though.  

James and I have been together almost 23 years and many will question my decision to leave him since we were friends and did have love for each other.  He for the most part (99.9%) has provided me with some of the best support a person could have.  He taught me most of what I can do now, drive a truck, ride a motorcycle, pedal a bicycle, even to start this blog a few years back.  He has been my biggest cheerleader over the years.  

However I've not been happy for quite a while.....we seemed to have gotten to the point where nothing was separate, our own little place to escape to and while I'm not sure that James needed or wanted that, I did and do.  Quite a bit of this comes from my childhood & teen years....my family is definitely not what a loving & nurturing environment should have been.  As a result I tend to retreat into myself entirely too much and/or lash out in not so nice ways, again usually toward myself but not always.  That sounds like an excuse and I'm not sure  I want to delve into my psyche so deep on this blog.  However that experience has left me wondering if I'm just not wired right to be in a relationship with anybody.

This brings me to now....we were on our way to a very amicable separation but my feelings of being smothered and overwhelmed manifested themselves into a bit of self-destructiveness as is my want.....Not even going to try and explain what went down other than to say that instead of elaborating on what was a flippant reply, I ended up pushing on and saying things that were hurtful and untrue just because I was feeling trapped and resentful when all it would've taken was a moment to explain what I really thought & meant.  This ended up turning into a very long evening where we caused each other a considerable amount of pain with both of us doing things we shouldn't have.  So there you have it....how to turn an amicable, friendly separation into one of lots of hurt.


Anonymous said...

hey gabby -
alyson here. so sorry to hear this. you and james are both great people and my heart hurts for both of you.

helmetorheels said...

Praying for you! (((hugs)))

Jen Blalock said...

Awww... that sucks. Hugs to you! You're only human. Try not to be too hard on yourself. Weird as it is it's easier to leave someone when there are bad feelings. Very difficult after that much time to say "Yeah I love you. You did nothing wrong. See you." I left my first marriage (not this one) after 23 years. It's not easy at all but I'm so glad I did. We both changed a lot and quite differently and I would never ever go back. xxoo - Jennrunns

abouttruckingjobs said...

I've been with The Evil Overlord for 17 years and of course, there have been ups and downs. Hate to see a 23-year marriage end.

As a Christian, well, you can probably guess my feelings about divorce. We try not to even mention the word divorce, but during heated arguments, it inevitably comes up. Not only do I rely on God to pull us through these tough patches, but it also helps that both The Evil Overlord and I can't imagine starting over with someone new.

Don't mean to sound preachy, just a few thoughts. If you felt the need to move on, then I guess you gotta do what you gotta do.

I'll be praying for you.

Sue said...

Marriage is so many things to so many people, I think your last commenter proves that point.
No one but you knows the painstaking feelings and decisions that you and hubby are making just now and why.
Historically a marriage was a simple public and community declaration of two peoples love and wishing to live together etc, infact that was the case way before Christianity stepped in.
But to find that you feel you’re life is pulling in different directions, even after all the compromise and sacrifice has to be so hard to deal with.
Even in the most basic realisation of religious faith, God wants you to be true to yourself before anything. And then there is the age that you married… you may have been very young to even know who or what either of you were or would become.
I feel for you both, it must be so hard to face these things. We all know you love and care for one another, yet if your paths through this life are in opposite directions, then that pain must be very hard to deal with.

I whole heartedly admire the sheer strength and courage it must have taken to not just realise or come to this decision, but the truthfulness and honesty it must have taken to finally share those feelings.
In doing so you’ve try to keep you friendship, yet let your hubby have a new shot at life – and of course yourself also.

Gabby, good luck in all you do, be true to yourself and be who you are. All wounds will heal. Everyone who knows, knew or talks to you in life or on twitter knows you’re an outstanding person of strength and determination and are more than proud to call you a friend. I am one of those.

All the best

Sue xx

kayan Association said...

Thank you for your wonderful blog