Warning--this post contains profanity so don't read if you're offended by it. Also has some shameless self-indulgent whinging. You have been warned, lol
Body type, strength, self-image, self esteem. self, self, self........Sometimes I get so caught up in self-loathing of my body that I forget how much it's capable of. I mean, really--broken clavicle, stress fracture of a toe, plantar fasciitis, severe sprain (when a joint audibly pops, it's not gonna be good), etc, etc. etc. I'm not that kind to this vessel.........Yet, it still manages to do what I ask of it. Maybe not as fast or as graceful or as pretty as I'd like, but it has done amazing things.
BUT..........I tend to get caught in that neverending trap of comparing my appearance to others. Not thin enough, not tall enough, not petite enough, on and on and on. It's just so damn aggravating that at 41 years old I still flashback to the things my asshole of a stepfather used to say to me about having a broad ass and being fat & no boobs. For fuck's sake I weighed a grand total of 92 pounds when I entered basic training for the Army Reserves in between my junior and senior year of high school and the recruiter had to stuff me with milkshakes to even get me to the minimum weight required for my height. For that matter, what the hell is a grown man doing making those comments to a teen-age girl to begin with....but that's another issue altogether.
So, here I am 5 pounds heavier than what I was last fall before my injuries and it's all gone to my waist. And I'm obsessing over being fat. Never mind that I just ran a 1/2 marathon in 2:04:48 (garmin time) last Sunday woefully undertrained for it. All I can think about is what's wrong with my appearance. I passed a woman, probably 10 years younger than me during the 1/2 who had what I considered the perfect body and instead of being content with the fact that I was having an easy(ish) training run while she was obviously struggling all I could do was be envious of her thin waistline (hey I told you shameful/less self indulgence).