16 April 2010

body image

Warning--this post contains profanity so don't read if you're offended by it. Also has some shameless self-indulgent whinging. You have been warned, lol

Body type, strength, self-image, self esteem. self, self, self........Sometimes I get so caught up in self-loathing of my body that I forget how much it's capable of. I mean, really--broken clavicle, stress fracture of a toe, plantar fasciitis, severe sprain (when a joint audibly pops, it's not gonna be good), etc, etc. etc. I'm not that kind to this vessel.........Yet, it still manages to do what I ask of it. Maybe not as fast or as graceful or as pretty as I'd like, but it has done amazing things.

BUT..........I tend to get caught in that neverending trap of comparing my appearance to others. Not thin enough, not tall enough, not petite enough, on and on and on.  It's just so damn aggravating that at 41 years old I still flashback to the things my asshole of a stepfather used to say to me about having a broad ass and being fat & no boobs.  For fuck's sake I weighed a grand total of 92 pounds when I entered basic training for the Army Reserves in between my junior and senior year of high school and the recruiter had to stuff me with milkshakes to even get me to the minimum weight required for my height. For that matter, what the hell is a grown man doing making those comments to a teen-age girl to begin with....but that's another issue altogether.

So, here I am 5 pounds heavier than what I was last fall before my injuries and it's all gone to my waist. And I'm obsessing over being fat.  Never mind that I just ran a 1/2 marathon in 2:04:48 (garmin time) last Sunday woefully undertrained for it. All I can think about is what's wrong with my appearance.  I passed a woman, probably 10 years younger than me during the 1/2 who had what I considered the perfect body and instead of being content with the fact that I was having an easy(ish) training run while she was obviously struggling all I could do was be envious of her thin waistline (hey I told you shameful/less self indulgence). 

And it's not just me......I'll listen to some of the guys I train with and they're on about how such & such person is so thin and is this or is that (in reference to both other men and women) and it's like you can't get away from it........Very few people are happy with how they look and sometimes it's like a treadmill in a hamster cage where you're just spinning round & round hashing the same old thing over and over.

For example, today I took a picture of myself while laying out in the backyard reading & tanning.  It's not a bad photo at all but all I can do is focus on the flaws. The extra bit of pudge here, a stretch mark there. Neverending I say.........Sigh.  So how about it folks, do you struggle too?  Do you immediately tear yourself down when someone compliments you? Only see the flaws instead of the strengths?  Any advice on how to get past it?


Terry said...

I could always send you a picture of me in my swimsuit and that would definitely make you feel better about yourself..LOL..I think it is just human nature to tear ourselves apart.. I know, even in my best shape, I see a ton of flaws that no one else would ever notice. If you find a cure, let me know!!

gabsatrucker said...

yeah that human nature thing is a real pain in the tookus (or brain, lol).


The Wondering Brit said...

A wool bikini top... itchy?

gabsatrucker said...

TWB, ha! That tells me you like the pic 'cause you're only that facetious about things you do like, lol!!!

doomytunes said...

My wife has the same thing. She is beautiful but only sees the negative. I guess it's a step better than being stuck up and one thinks they are better than everyone.

Aaron the Truck Driver said...

Gabby, you are thinner than a bug!

Aaron the Truck Driver said...

And cute as a bug too!

gabsatrucker said...

love the comment about your wife!!!!

Thanks! but I've seen some very ugly bugs though, lol!

Honestly though, not looking for any compliments or anything with this post, just grumbling about how we all tend to tear ourselves apart despite the things we've accomplished and how silly it can be.